Who Am I?

It is amazing how difficult it is to answer such a simple question.  How do I begin to search for the answer? Does the search begin with my upbringing, occupation, the music listened to, personal writings or style of dress?  These areas are excellent predictors of how others perceive me, though not necessarily indicative of my perception of self; and it is the perception of self that is most important.  What does that do to the perception of self when these outward projections lead others to believe in an identity that is not who I am?  Can I resist the distortion of this perception and avoid becoming who others think I am?  There are so many questions about me finding out who I am or more accurately, balancing my self perception with the perception others have of me.

I don't think I've ever asked those people closest to me what they think of me beyond the superficial.  Never have I gone as in depth as questioning of my personality, strengths, weaknesses, character, values and morals.  Perhaps this is because I am afraid that the people that should know me the best do not know me at all; though it is more likely that I believe that these people are aware of the true me as they have realized that I have taken pieces of them and made them my own.

What of others?  I have little doubt that most of the people I know, know very little about me.  It is common for people to think very differently of me than I do of myself.  For some, it is difficult to imagine me as an angry, out of control person, that is hell bent on ripping someone's head off.  While others find it extremely difficult to believe that I am the empathic, caring and sensitive person that it takes to be a therapist.  Still others find it incomprehensible that I can be both at the same time.

I guess that these significantly different perceptions are truly of my own doing.  I learned, long ago, that a person in my position has to change his appearance, style of speech, and behaviors in order to gain an advantage.  I have learned that the persona that is needed to survive in Brooklyn will prohibit success in professional environments.  I have learned to take an evaluation of my current situation and act accordingly.  I'm not sure if this is something that others do, but it seems to be much more pronounced for me.  I become different people entirely...

Perhaps this is the genesis of my identity crisis.  The feeling that the true me is never adequate for the situation; save for those wonderful moments when I can spend time with those closest to me.